...is me. i am so un-perfect in many ways. Sometimes i hate it, some days i ignore it, and most days i know that i have learned to accept it, except during those "some" moments.
today is one of those "some" days and times.
i'm fat. i've always been fat. even if i lose weight, i'm still fat. it gets tiring at times, when i need to find something to wear, when i go to the cinema and the seats aren't big enough, when i need new shoes and my feet are too fat to fit anything, when i get on a plane and i'd have to ask for an extension seatbelt. but for someone my size, i'm quite healthy. so i guess i shouldn't complain too much.
i have yucky skin. no, i don't have excessively oily skin, except when the weather is too warm or too cold, but i have scars and blemishes all over, especially on my face. i've tried whitening creams to minimize the darkness, and yes they've helped to some extent but they seem determined to stay. i can't stop scratching or picking on scabs...it's a habit that i've had since i was a kid, so even if i lose weight and get a body worth risking wearing a bathing suit for, i wouldn't dare, because my legs are dotted with darkened skin due to those scars whose scabs i have picked. apart from that, i don't have skin disease or anything that's too scary so there's that...
i have ugly feet. i blame it on my genes, since my dad had ugly feet too. they're dry, my ingrowns are killing me, and the skin above my calves are so dry that when i take a bath, i spend most of my time scrubbing them. i used to love wearing strappy shoes, but i wouldn't dare wear those now. at least i don't have athlete's foot or anything like that. it's something to live for, i think.
my hair is frizzy. i need to get it rebonded every few months so that it's manageable, and somewhat pretty. conditioner doesn't work on my hair. hair gels don't work because i'm too sweaty so my hair becomes sticky by the end of the day. well...at least rebonding works for me.
i'm not like those beautiful people who like to be seen, because sometimes my imperfections keep me shy. my sister gets overly protective of me that she would stare back at those people who stare at me. so when we go out, i try to avoid places where she could get into a fight. i tell her, never mind, they don't know me, plus it's true, that i attract attention because of my size. so i suppose it's really all my fault.
so yeah, i get affected by my physical imperfections more often than i would care to admit. it's a constant struggle to reaffirm myself that that's not all that's important. but i know i could be happier if i could improve this aspect of my life, and that it's all up to me. i'm to blame, so i should take responsibility. it's just funny that i could take more responsibility for other things, but find it hard or unimportant to look after myself. what to do, what to do...i know it's obvious, but i need to find a strong enough resolve to do what i need to do.
Maldives (Day 11)
4 years ago