Imperfection

...is me. i am so un-perfect in many ways. Sometimes i hate it, some days i ignore it, and most days i know that i have learned to accept it, except during those "some" moments.

today is one of those "some" days and times.

i'm fat. i've always been fat. even if i lose weight, i'm still fat. it gets tiring at times, when i need to find something to wear, when i go to the cinema and the seats aren't big enough, when i need new shoes and my feet are too fat to fit anything, when i get on a plane and i'd have to ask for an extension seatbelt. but for someone my size, i'm quite healthy. so i guess i shouldn't complain too much.

i have yucky skin. no, i don't have excessively oily skin, except when the weather is too warm or too cold, but i have scars and blemishes all over, especially on my face. i've tried whitening creams to minimize the darkness, and yes they've helped to some extent but they seem determined to stay. i can't stop scratching or picking on scabs...it's a habit that i've had since i was a kid, so even if i lose weight and get a body worth risking wearing a bathing suit for, i wouldn't dare, because my legs are dotted with darkened skin due to those scars whose scabs i have picked. apart from that, i don't have skin disease or anything that's too scary so there's that...

i have ugly feet. i blame it on my genes, since my dad had ugly feet too. they're dry, my ingrowns are killing me, and the skin above my calves are so dry that when i take a bath, i spend most of my time scrubbing them. i used to love wearing strappy shoes, but i wouldn't dare wear those now. at least i don't have athlete's foot or anything like that. it's something to live for, i think.

my hair is frizzy. i need to get it rebonded every few months so that it's manageable, and somewhat pretty. conditioner doesn't work on my hair. hair gels don't work because i'm too sweaty so my hair becomes sticky by the end of the day. well...at least rebonding works for me.

i'm not like those beautiful people who like to be seen, because sometimes my imperfections keep me shy. my sister gets overly protective of me that she would stare back at those people who stare at me. so when we go out, i try to avoid places where she could get into a fight. i tell her, never mind, they don't know me, plus it's true, that i attract attention because of my size. so i suppose it's really all my fault.

so yeah, i get affected by my physical imperfections more often than i would care to admit. it's a constant struggle to reaffirm myself that that's not all that's important. but i know i could be happier if i could improve this aspect of my life, and that it's all up to me. i'm to blame, so i should take responsibility. it's just funny that i could take more responsibility for other things, but find it hard or unimportant to look after myself. what to do, what to do...i know it's obvious, but i need to find a strong enough resolve to do what i need to do.

2008: The Year that Was

2008 was a year of trials for me, even for my sister. Since she and I are both Leos, and we've experienced pretty much the same fate for 2008, I am definitely more inclined to believe in astrology more than the average person does.

QUARTER 1: My sister and I both had serious illnesses. I had pneumonia, and she had dengue fever. Even with that health setback, a major event for the year also happened in the same quarter - our mom arrived for a visit from the States for the first time in 5 years. Q1 of 2008 is definitely bookmarked in my mind. Oh, I forgot to mention that I resigned from my job of almost 3 years?

QUARTER 2: ...was tiring as hell. I applied to several jobs but nothing happened, until the last month of the quarter, that is. I thought that this was the job of my dreams, but...well, wait until my Q3 review. Work during my first month was still fun, but I was slowly (but surely!) disillusioned. I got to travel to Bicol, cross a large body of water via a bangka and brave a storm while nursing a fever. Woohooy. It was also during this quarter that my sister became busy as hell reviewing for her NCLEX. She had to rent a place somewhere in Manila for easier access to the review school.

QUARTER 3: Ah, this was the problematic quarter. The new job wasn't turning out as well as I had hoped, plus I was sick most of the time (as in I'd have at least one absence per week). My sister flunked her NCLEX, so obviously she was depressed for the rest of the quarter. A very NEGA quarter, indeed.

QUARTER 4: ...was a definite mix of fortunes. I was retrenched, which was painful, but I was more or less financially set for a couple of months (that was in October). I actually saw that situation as a blessing since we were in a financial bind at the time, so the instant moolah was a very welcome surprise. My sister, well, she had already started reviewing again, since our timelines for her retake is by February of 2009. But I decided to give her a break when I lost my job, since she carried the other half of the burden of keeping us sane. :) It was also in this quarter when I almost went back to my previous employer. I think it's a good thing that that didn't push through. The last month of the quarter, well, I've had to keep our finances in check. It has already been 3 months without income after all.

Here comes 2009. My Chinese friend told me that my birth year. the Year of the Sheep, will have the worst fortune this year. My lucky year is 2011. That's two years away! What am I going to do until then?

Like I told my bear friends, I am going to claim 2009 as MY year. I will do my best to make sure that this year will be better than 2008.

Hmph.

I hate open-ended stories.

They're too hopeful, to the extent of providing false hopes to the dreamy-eyed girl whose heart is constantly broken.

It places time as a mediator between all the hurt, and as a bittersweetener for all the happy times.

I hate open-ended stories.

I need something with closure.

Family Ever After

With a lack of anything exciting happening in my life, I agreed to accompany my sister to attend her friend's mom's 50th birthday party at the Lancaster Hotel along Shaw Boulevard. It was an opportunity to just get out of the house, enjoy good food and hopefully have a good time.

The hotel wasn't difficult to find, as it was on a main road. However, I almost had a heart attack trying to get the car down to the basement car park since the ramps were soooo steep! I almost couldn't feel my behind touching the driver's seat! Note to self: use valet parking next time.

I was right; the food was good! At the buffet, there was lasagna, roasted chicken, buttered fish fillet (which was my favorite dish that night), lengua and lechon (which I didn't dare eat - ang cholesterol!). There was also a make-your-own-mongolian station, which was pretty cool, considering that there was already a buffet table. A simple dessert table was set up with kakanin and a chocolate fondue fountain. Yum!

Gelo, my sister's friend whose mom's birthday we were celebrating, led the program together with his friends who serenaded the entire room with their amazing vocals. =) The only trouble with having a huge participation in the program was that they didn't get to eat until later in the night. But it was well worth the effort as people kept going back to the buffet table for seconds and ate more while listening to their performances. =)

Another great part of the program was when the birthday girl got her groove on and performed two ballroom dance numbers with a dance instructor (she even had a change of costume after her first dance number!). I swear, her dancing got me teary-eyed as I imagined my own mom busting out great dance moves with her ballroom dancing crew in Cali. See, I've never seen my mom dance, but if my mom dances half as well as Tita did during the party, I'd be extremely proud. Beb and I swore to ourselves that we're going to throw a ballroom dancing party for Mama in three years' time so that we could see her dance the night away. :)

In the latter part of the night, the G family rendered a song number for Tita - "The Way You Look Tonight." It was funny seeing all of them holding their lyric cheat sheets and cueing each other as to who or what's next. I was cracking and tearing up, but it was mostly because you could really see how close they are as a family. After the song number, Tito made a short, but very sweet and touching speech for Tita, which left most of the guests (me included) dabbing at their eyes.

What really got me choked up was a scene that I saw when they opened the floor for those who wanted to dance. Tita was dancing with the DI, G's sister and brother were dancing, while G was dancing with a friend. I don't know what happened, but somehow Tita and her kids got into each other's arms and danced while in a group hug. The kids were kissing their mom, and yes, using my skill in lip reading, I saw them saying "love you, mommy." Sigh. I turned away, not because I was ashamed to be seen looking at the happy family dancing and hugging, but because I was afraid that I would start bawling my eyes out if I continued to look at them. But no, fate did not have mercy on me, because when I turned away from them, I saw Tito looking at the happy group with so much pride in his eyes and love in his smile from the back of the room. There goes my tears. I stood up and quickly walked to the beverage station to get something to drink to force the lump in my throat to go down.

I was so touched at how much love there was with this family, and how they were not afraid to show it to their 100+ guests. I know that every family has its ups and downs, but last night was a definite UP event. Last night was a celebration for their mom's birthday, but what I saw was a celebration of a family's love for each other. I know what each guest was thinking and hoping for last night, that their own families were like that. I hope the G family knows what kind of impact they made on their guests.

I thank my lucky stars that I have a truly loving sister, and an amazing mother. I could wish for an opportunity to show my love for them in such a huge way, but I know that there are also small opportunities to do that every day, so I shouldn't be envious. But I am, because somehow I couldn't recall having a huge family moment like that of the G's last night. What a wonderful, wonderful experience that party was.

Sigh. I swear, that party left me quite dehydrated, but in a very good way. =)

Oh, and I loved the souvenir cupcakes too.

Knowing

And so this is it. It's like finally closing a chapter on a never ending love story. When hope can finally leave and rest its weary head to get ready for a fresh and brand new start.

I try to imagine you being more...stable...mellow...sedated? And I couldn't.

I knew you when you were more free and unspoiled by reality. I knew you when you weren't imprisoned by 'what had to be', and only had 'what could be' to strive for.

I knew you when you were mine and I was yours and we couldn't wait for our lives to start. I knew you when 'only divine intervention can quell your personality.' Has it? I think, maybe.

I knew you when we tried, but weren't able to, because there was just too much to deal with, too much intensity, too much expectations.

I thought I knew you, but you moved on, and I was stuck, even if later I moved on, I still sent up our hopes and dreams to the heavens looking for even just a half chance. Maybe, there were chances sent, but life rushed us through to this point where there might be no turning back.

I knew you when you were just a boy, and I was just a girl. And that is something that time took away.

In my head, you are still a boy, so now I know that time has cheated me.